Don’t Waste the Hurt: Growing in the Character of Christ

The experiences shared in this post reflect my personal journey. Names and details have been adjusted or omitted to protect others involved. My hope is simply to encourage readers toward healing, forgiveness, and growth in Christ.

The Christian life is a constant reminder that we are called to grow in becoming more like Jesus. We are striving toward His character of love, mercy, and grace. Thankfully, we don’t strive in our own strength. The Holy Spirit kindly guides us into truth, brings revelation, and reminds us in times of trial to look to Jesus Himself for our response in attitude and behavior.

When Betrayal Feels Like a Lifeboat Rowing Away

Not long ago, I went through an experience that left me devastated. It felt like being stranded on a sinking ship while the captain rowed away in the only lifeboat, leaving the crew behind. That was the kind of betrayal I felt, and it took a long time to process the anger and hurt.

Maybe for you, it wasn’t a big church conflict, but being left out of a decision, being ignored when you were hurting, or feeling the sting of gossip. Whatever the shape of the wound, most of us have experienced disappointment in the family of God. Like many of us do when we’re wounded by other Christians, I asked all the questions:

• How could God allow this?
• How can we all be following Jesus, yet hear Him differently?
• Am I even hearing from God?

Allowing Hurt to Transform Us

Over time, some of those questions were answered, and some weren’t. But what I came to realize is that while the people involved loved the Lord and bore good fruit in their lives, we are all still human. We are all just learning and failing as we go. There were disagreements, conflict, and eventually a split, but even through all of that, I could see God’s hand at work. I learned lessons I never would have learned otherwise. Slowly, the questions of “how” and “why” didn’t matter so much anymore, not because I solved the mystery, but because I chose to trust that God was working for my good despite the pain and actions of others.

And it wasn’t just me. Over time, I saw growth in others who had been part of the same situation. Even though it didn’t unfold the way any of us had hoped, God was using it for good in each of our lives. This draws me back to my opening statement: the Christian life is a constant reminder of growing in the character of Christ. Hurt will happen everywhere—inside the church and outside of it—but the question is whether we allow those experiences to transform us as we walk in the Spirit of God.

When Old Wounds Reopen

Even though I was able to see the split as an opportunity to grow and become more like Jesus in my thoughts and behaviors, I was tested a year later when I saw someone else publicly share similar painful experiences with that same church. She spoke of pain and betrayal that echoed my own experience. When I watched her video, I felt justified and validated in everything I had gone through. Old wounds reopened, and I felt myself standing right back in those moments again.

My first reaction was to stand with her in her sorrow and pain. I could empathize so deeply with what she was saying because I had lived it too. Yet, when I tried sharing these feelings with people outside of the situation, I realized how easily concerns like these can be brushed off, dismissed as bitterness, or written off as someone just being “crazy.”

Learning to Forgive Without Dismissing the Pain

Those dismissive responses sent me back to God, and through time spent in prayer, alongside wise friends, my husband, and even the pastor I once felt had “taken the lifeboat,” I began to understand something deeper: mercy triumphs over judgment.

Being triggered by her words reminded me that even though God had taught me that mercy triumphs over judgment, her pain was still very real in the present. Learning to forgive and extend mercy doesn’t erase the weight of betrayal, nor does it take away the validity of what someone else is walking through. My prayer for her, and for anyone carrying those hurts, is not that they “move on” quickly, but that in time, mercy, grace, and even reconciliation might rise up out of the ashes of pain. Because that’s the invitation Jesus extends to all of us; to let Him turn wounds into growth and anger into love.

Scripture says that love keeps no record of wrongs. It always hopes, always perseveres. Part of becoming more like Jesus means choosing forgiveness in the middle of it all. Not the kind of passive forgiveness that says, “Yeah, I forgive them,” while secretly harboring bitterness and keeping our distance. Real forgiveness means we let go of the wrongs, release the debt, and continue to love, even showing up in the lives of those who have hurt us, over and over again.

When my pastor (the “lifeboat guy”) later responded publicly to the criticism against him, his response humbled me. It reminded me that spiritual maturity isn’t about getting everything right; it’s about striving to grow in each new circumstance. Growth means we’re going to get things wrong sometimes. His response reminded me that God is shaping each of us, even in our failures.

Although this woman’s story echoed my own, I also know my pastor to be a godly man, striving to become more like Jesus with each new circumstance he faces. I’ve seen the fruit of his life, and I know his heart.

We’ve All Failed Someone Before

And I’ve been on the other side too. I know I’ve made people feel like I took the lifeboat for myself and left them behind. In one way or another, we’ve all done that. Maybe the next time around, we managed to fit a few more people in the lifeboat, but the ship still sank, and people were still hurt. The point is not that we’ll get it perfect every time, but that we grow. And as we grow, the Spirit produces fruit in us that looks more and more like Jesus.

At the end of the day, we will all face hurt, even from brothers and sisters in Christ. Sometimes it feels like we’ve been left behind on the boat, sometimes we’re the ones rowing away in the lifeboat without realizing the damage we’ve caused. But every experience becomes an opportunity to grow into the character of Christ.

Don’t Waste the Hurt; Grow in Christlike Character

That growth looks like asking hard questions and still choosing faith. It looks like apologizing and correcting the offense when we realize we’ve hurt others. It looks like forgiving again when wounds reopen, extending mercy instead of judgment, offering grace when it isn’t deserved, and choosing love above all else. Spiritual maturity isn’t about never getting it wrong; it’s about letting every circumstance shape us more into the image of Jesus.

My encouragement to you is this: wherever you are in your journey, don’t waste the hurt. Let it be the soil God uses to grow mercy, grace, and love in your life.

Who is God asking you to forgive or show mercy toward today? Maybe it’s time to re-forgive, to extend grace again, or to finally let go of something you’ve been carrying. As Christ has forgiven us, let us walk in love, mercy, and forgiveness toward one another.